My whole life, I've always been pretty average at things. Never great, never the best, but okay. I pick up new skills fairly quickly, but I also plateau quickly. Let's just say I seem to have a lot of beginner's luck.
To be really honest, I've always wanted so badly to be the best at something. To be good - no, to be great - at anything. And for a hot minute there I thought that thing might be motherhood.
But then I literally ran my son over with my Target shopping cart right in the main aisle in front of ALL THE PEOPLE. I was leaning in to soothe my crying, well screaming, three month old, while simultaneously pushing the cart and the next thing I know, my cart hits a bump and my two year old is splayed across the tile, crying and lying on the ground while clutching his "Planes" fruit snacks for dear life. Of course, at the moment of impact, half of the stuff on the bottom of the cart flies off and we become just a massive, crying roadblock for everyone to gawk at.
It was in that moment that I knew - I am not and would not be good at this motherhood thing. This will not be the thing that I am finally, finally great at.
It's par for the course of my life that I'd be the mediocre mom.
***I get out of the shower later that evening, just before my husband puts my son to bed for the night. We meet in the hallway, each of us going to our rooms. As I lean in to kiss my son goodnight he says, "Momma! So fun! Momma pretty. Wuve you foreva momma."
And even after all of that today, I think he means it.
And it's sort of amazing.
BUT. The thing is. The most amazing, marvelous, wonderful thing is: My kids have absolutely no idea how good or bad of a mom I am!
Because they've never had another mother! They have nothing to compare me to! They have no frame of reference! To them, this mediocre mom is not just an average mom - I am an AWESOME mom. To them, I am THE BEST mom. I'm fun! Pretty! Loved forever!
And even if - okay, when - someday they grow up and go off to school and I embarrass the heck out of them because I'm the loudest mom on the class field trip that brought cupcakes that taste like cardboard - they'll know they can't do any better than me. Literally, I'M THE BEST MOM THEY'VE EVER HAD.
And my best is good enough for them.
Sure, there will be times that I'll plow my kid over with my shopping cart, drive home wondering why my daughter is fussing only to find her with her headband covering her eyes, sit and stare while my toddler throws The Most Dramatic Tantrum You've Ever Seen because I have no idea what to do or how to stop him and am just sorta fascinated by how he can keep going and going and going - but we'll figure it all out, dust ourselves off, and survive - and that night I'll sing both of them to sleep with a voice they think is better than Adele's. I'll find my son running around with a random pair of scissors and nearly drop my daughter when putting her in a sling when she body spasms, but later that day we'll have a snuggle/tickle/giggle session that will fill all our love tanks. I'll forget their hats on a walk but we'll have a blast jumping in puddles and singing random numbers to the tune of the ABC's. We'll crawl like alligators on the ground but accidentally give ourselves enormous carpet burns so it will all end in tears and tantrums and Momma Doesn't Know How The Fun Turned Sour So Fast.
But I'm trying and it's enough for them.
I'll make mistakes. I won't be perfect. I won't be the best mother, or probably even a great mother.
I'll likely always be mediocre. Stumbling and fumbling my way through this motherhood gig getting very few things right or doing hardly anything well.
But isn't it great how that is enough for our children? They love us exactly as we are. Which is honestly, absolutely amazing - and should be a huge load off our shoulders.
We can only be ourselves. We can only offer them exactly who we are. And that is enough for them.
You enough for them.
I am enough for them.
And if that is mediocre, that's exactly what I want to be.
Like this post? I share a whole lot more on this motherhood gig over on Facebook (Oakland Avenue) and Instagram (@laurawifler) and I'd love it if you followed along!