It Meant Everything and Nothing at the Same Time


On the Sunday we got home from the hospital, almost immediately I went upstairs to take a nap. It was the first time I'd been alone since we were admitted to the hospital for Eli's birth and as I crawled into bed I immediately started to cry.

I couldn't stop the tears, they were neither happy nor sad. They meant everything that had happened to me, each tear shed representing all that I had been through - my pain, joy, fears and hopes, and yet at the same time the tears meant nothing at all. They just were. They were impossible to stop; a necessary process after the three most intense days of my life.

I cried because I was in pain, and I cried because I was so happy it was less pain than the actual birth.

I cried because I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and I cried because I couldn't believe that mommy-instinct is a real thing and I knew exactly what to do.

I cried because I was exhausted, and I cried because I had never felt more alive in my life.

I cried because over the past few days I had been surrounded by my generous and loving family, and I cried because I was finally alone and left to myself.

I cried because it was all finally over, and I cried because it was only just the beginning.

I cried because everything had changed and I didn't feel ready, and I cried because everything had changed and God knew I was ready.

I cried for so many reasons, yet for none at all.

My tears meant everything and nothing at the same time.

3 comments:

  1. This is so beautiful. I often wonder what it would feel like to have a baby, and while I know there will be so much joy, there will also be a whole lot of confusion and stress to come along with it. Thanks for sharing your feelings, so I know I'm not the only one who sometimes feels a million things and nothing at all at the same time.

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  2. Thanks for sharing, Laura...so beautifully written!

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  3. this....was perfect. thanks laura.

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