New Mom Confessions

It's confession time. For all you mommas out there, I'm willing to bet most of these have happened to you because let's be honest - our girlhood daydreams of someday being a J. Crew-clad mom who strolls in the park with Starbucks in-hand while baby wears $75 of Gap apparel - are just not reality. 

Here are some of my top confessions:
  • If Eli drops his pacifier, I usually just inspect it for hairs or major chunks of dirt and pop it back in. I went about a day trying to wash it each time and now I figure the dirt just adds to the flavor.
  • There is spit-up and breast milk all over my couch, chairs, rugs, floors, pillows and well, pretty much any surface in my home. I usually clean it up. Sometimes I don't. 
  • I secretly love that Mike always takes the 8 p.m. feeding - even though I chalk it up to necessary "male-bonding time," I know it gives me at least 20 minutes to do anything I want without interruption. 
  • Sometimes, I just want to squeeze Eli until he pops. Like literally, pops. I just wonder what that would look like. Like in a cartoon-ish, non-harmful way. I just love him so much that I was to squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze him soooooooo tight. But don't worry, I won't.
  • Pulling out a booger from Eli's nose gives me a feeling of great reward. Also, BEING A PARENT IS DISGUSTING.
  • I have had poop on my face. I mean, everyone knows you're going to get it on your hands, maybe your shirt. But I've had it both those places and in my face. It was a series of unfortunate events where I happened to be wiping as Eli was shooting out poop (For you non-parents, this is a common occurrence for all babies in those first few months) and my hand happened to lift just so that the poop ricocheted off the wipe into my face. It was a small hit, but a devastating one. 
  • In the first couple of months, I would sometimes pretend to be dead asleep when Eli would fuss so that Mike would go get him. I quickly learned that wasn't a good idea because Mike was actually dead asleep, therefore Eli would cry twice as long until Mike would finally wake up -- and I just ended up getting frustrated and annoyed. 
  • Sometimes I'll nurse Eli with the curtains open and the door unlocked. Enter at your own risk. 
  • Eli gets a bath approximately twice a week. Usually just when I think his fohawk is getting greasy. I'm working under the idea that the "natural oils are good for his skin..."
  • Apparently when you give birth not only do you get a baby, but you are also gifted with a weird mommy-voice at the same time. I believe mine is especially weird. 
  • I'm so sick of breastfeeding/pumping/being Eli's only source of food. Can I say that? I know for some women it's beautiful, bonding and bliss. But for me, it's hard. There are lots of reasons that go into this (a post in and of itself) but let's just get real - it is a HECK OF A LOT OF WORK to do this supposedly "natural" thing. No. It is not natural - it's freaking rocket-science! I know breast-is-best, but seriously - why does it have to be so hard?
  • When Eli first came home from the hospital, I kept calling him Abram and Lewis - my nephew's names. Mike kept getting mad at me, until he did it. And did it again, and again, and again. Admittedly, it's weird to finally get to say your own kid's name out loud.
  • For those first two or three months, I couldn't wait for Eli to get older, more predictable and more ... sturdy. I know I shouldn't have wished away those two months, but I'm honestly thankful they're over.
  • As far as getting your body back after baby is born, the first week after childbirth is awesome, all you have to do is wake up each morning and poof! you just lost 20 lbs. It's all downhill from there. 
  • When I'm pumping, sometimes I'll look down at those little bottles filling up and think about how bizarre and disgusting it is that I can actually produce MILK. 
  • Sometimes Eli will pee on his clothes. If it's not a supersoaker, I won't change it. It's like disappearing ink, it dries and nobody knows it's there. 
  • On my first trip out of the house by myself with Eli, I drove to the grocery store and realized that his car seat wasn't plugged into the base. I then cried for 10 minutes in the grocery store parking lot. (Chalking it up to postpartum hormones.)
  • I have taken Eli's temperature through his butt. That was terrifying.
  • Oh, and per the pic above, I take selfies with Eli all the time. What else do we have to do all day?


  1. Laura, I also admit to all those things...except for maybe the poop on the face. Fortunately. Trey was holding Tobias and got pooped on through clothes (both of theirs) all over his lap...not a pretty site. It was hard for me not to laugh since it wasn't happening to me :-)

  2. This is amazing. You are amazing. I am inspired and filled with joy by your honesty and transparency in child rearing. Some of it, you'd think would terrify me out of having my own, but it's actually quite the opposite because I know I have people like you in my life who want the nitty gritty details. Like actually WANT to hear them :-) and I know that through your transparency in sharing your life with me. You're a blessing in my life.

  3. I loved this. We're about to get number two here in a few days, and I forgot about some of the newborn stuff.

  4. Don't forget the benefit of "pump-time" reading. Thanks for providing my reading for today :-)

  5. Everything you say here is 100% true. It IS weird saying your kid's name! It's also weird remembering their birthday! (especially since my guy was SUPPOSED to be a Sept baby, but came in AUGUST. So weird. We never remember it! #parentfail)
    xx Olivia