Four Questions To Change Your Marriage

I've been married to Mike for nearly four years now. That's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but it's enough time to know more than I knew when I first married him. (At least I hope so.) A new marriage is tough. It's an adjustment. It changes things. There are always growing pains and no matter how wonderful it is, there are always hard things here, there and everywhere that have to be dealt with. 

So we started Sunday Check-Ins. Each Sunday over dinner, a walk, or even squeezed in during a car ride, Mike and I ask each other four questions:
  1. How did I show you love last week?
  2. How can I love you better this week?
  3. How can I love you better in intimacy this week?
  4. What's on tap for the week ahead?
After having a baby, our Sunday Check-Ins faded away as our lives were filled with hooded bath towels that look like penguins, colorful plastic keys that rattle and light up, and baby shoes - preferably TOMS, but any cute pair will do. But just like a new marriage, among all the wonderful happenings, things were upside down again, and new tough things flooded our relationship. There's adjustment, changes, growing pains and new hard things here, there and everywhere. So we recommitted to Sunday Check-Ins. 

It's kind of amazing how much good it does for our marriage. I just thought I'd share in case it could be helpful for yours. 

*Photo courtesy Canary Grey Photography.


  1. You want to know why this seem so easy at time and hard during others. its your mind set. reading your posts and i can tell that you run your marriage. you set the tone for how it go's. It go's well when you want it to go well and its hard when you have chip on your shoulder. mike just rolls with the punches. I was told by a wise man once that the person you are married to is the cause for 90% of your happiness or 90% of your misery. so your little 4 question thing works because you want it to work and mike is just along for the ride.

  2. i've heard these questions posed before...they are really great. thanks for sharing and reminding me of them again!

  3. Hm, I would have to strongly disagree with you. A marriage takes two people as partners, not just one running the show. Although yes, I have a stronger personality than Mike does, even he would tell you that I don't "run" our marriage, and I'm sorry you're seeing something that's false in my posts. Mike is anything but "along for the ride" - he is involved, invested, corrects me when I'm wrong and and supports me when I'm right, and I do the same for him. And in fact, a weekly check-in was initially Mike's idea.

    In addition, Mike doesn't cause my happiness or misery, he is not the source of my attitude at all - I choose my attitude and what I do with my feelings and ultimately, I find my happiness - or joy - in Christ. Because the truth is, Mike will ultimately fail me, and I will ultimately fail him. We're two imperfect people working together to build a strong marriage (hence these questions) but my happiness doesn't and can't depend on my spouse.

    Please keep in mind that what you see here on the blog is a small, small snippet of our marriage and again, I'm sorry you've seen such a diluted view of how we work, but I do hope you can see us in a more positive light going forward.

  4. Such a great idea! Do you feel like you make it through all the questions? Do you feel like you guys have to put a "cap" on the discussion ever? I could see myself rambling on & on during a particularly hard week & flying through a bit faster during good/great marriage weeks.

  5. I absolutely love this post, thank you so much for sharing! Tyler and I are going to implement this in our marriage this week.

    Marriage is hard and once you have a kid it is WAY harder. I've found that it is natural to expect your husband to read your mind and just "know" what you are thinking/feeling/needing. But that expectation is just crazy when you say it out loud because it is so unrealistic. Asking questions like this and really stopping to listen to what your partner needs is crucial in making a marriage work. Props to you for doing this.

  6. We do make it through all the questions! There are weeks that we do fly through them if it's been a good week, but we truly do try to think hard about them even if it "seems good" - which usually sparks some really good discussion, which I love. For some reason it seems to naturally flow, so if we need to continue at a different time, it's no big deal. I'd say this takes us anywhere from 10 minutes to a half hour, but there are definitely weeks that go longer, but that's just because it's a good discussion, often it's even off topic. :)

  7. Totally agree on the husband reading the mind thing - it never works out no matter how much I wish it would! :) I'm glad to hear you're going to try it out Heather!