It's been a few weeks since your life changed forever. The love song always starts out the same: Shaky and unsure, the beat a little off and the notes just a little bit flat. But the tune is playing, and that is what matters. You are adjusting, changing. There is confusion and uncertainty, disorder and doubt. Everything is fuzzy and a bit out of focus, making your notes jumbled and hesitant, but if you listen closely, you can still make out the tune.
It is only the beginning. The beginning of your love song.
It is softly sung as you nurse your baby hour after hour, even when you believe there is nothing left. It is gently crooned in the dark hours of the morning as you swaddle and rock your crying baby with tired arms and eyes, wondering if dawn will ever come. It is hesitantly hummed as you change yet another diaper, yet another onesie, yet another crib sheet.
It plays as you wrestle through questions, uncertainty and fears. Strumming its beat in your anxiety of not knowing what to do next, yet choosing to try something, anything. Its tune resounds over feeling unqualified to handle each step, yet grows stronger and stronger each time you choose to say that your lack of adequacy will not stop you.
The notes crack often, just like your core. These days and nights, they run together like waters merging in the sea, full of confusion and frustration and I Don't Know What To Do's, but the song continues to play. Because as lost as you feel, you're right where you need to be. Your love song continues to play, even when you don't even know what note comes next.
And so remember, this is only the beginning. Although it's hard to believe now, eventually your song will play strong and loud, the tune familiar and intimate. The questions will slow, the confusion will clear and the anxiety will release. It won't be so hard to find the beat, the key, the notes, and you may even hear the harmony.
Of course, there will always be days where the tune seems lost in the banging and clanging of motherhood. Things change as quickly as they settle, and to be honest, the questions never really leave, they only begin to rest longer and longer as they transform into new ones. But the song is always there in the midst of the noise, even if at times it is only the hum of a distant lullaby.
Remember, you are only on the first verse. You are just beginning to learn your song. There will be days that it crescendos and rises, and others that it fades and quells, it is the nature of this tune we have in motherhood.
And so even though you're not sure what is playing as your song begins, it always continues to play.
It is only the beginning.
Your love song has begun.
*Dedicated to my dear sister-in-law, who's song is just beginning.
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